I can’t believe that today, 1 month since Mya died, I am sitting down to tell you why Khia died. Why I am now the mother of 1 dog instead of 2, and after just being the mother of 3 a short while ago.
Yes, I know I’m still their mother but my children are gone. They are not in a better place because when you’re with the ones you love, there is no better place.

I got the call at 5:08 pm Friday. Dr.C: “The ultrasound report came back. It’s not good.” Khia had a tumor in her spleen and effectively her spleen WAS the tumor.

We were given 3 options:
1) Take her home with pain pills and wait for the inevitable bleed out.
2) Attempt surgery for a splenectomy where she possibly wouldn’t even make it because the amount of blood being removed with her spleen would have been so massive. Dr. C: “The splenectomy would be purely palliative, not curative. If she even makes it through the surgery, the cancer will come back and I can’t guarantee how long she would have.” Not to mention the pain of recovery.
3) Euthanasia.

I quickly relayed all of the information to Greg’s daughter, the vet tech, who relayed it to her 2 doctors who were Khia’s vets as a pup. Unanimously, they informed us that they would go with option 3 – the pain and suffering Khia was going through, and would continue to go through, was beyond conprehension.

Greg’s daughter was the one to get Khia as a 6 week old puppy. She has an emotional attachment to Khia just like us. She said she’s never seen a good outcome when it comes to the spleen.

So not only did we have 4 medical opinions (Dr. C, Dr. L, and Khia’s 2 old vets), we also had 1 medical/emotional opinion (Greg’s daughter). I trusted her opinion above all others.

So off we went to play God. A role far too powerful my liking.

We got there and were brought into the back where we sat with her in a large kennel because she couldn’t walk. When we walked in she was in an irregular sitting position – legs kind of splayed. Semi-zoned out. No tail wagging. None of her normal elation at seeing us. She probably thought we were there to bring her home.

Dr. C came in and went over everything again and left us for awhile to talk things over. There was no talking. I told Greg he had to make this decision. I absolutely could not do it – whether it was the obvious decision or not. We just held her, cried and told her how great of a dog she was. The whole time, she wouldn’t give me a single kiss. I was devastated. My dog was going to die and I was never going to get a last kiss. Greg got a kiss, why not me?

Around 6:20, they came in and gave her shot #1 – the sedative. It took 25 minutes to start working. 25 of the longest minutes of my life. With Mya, she was in full seizure and the sedative was almost enough to stop her heart. Not Khia. Not my strong girl. No. She fought every second of it. Finally, I got my kiss, her breathing regulated and that loud, ridiculous snore that I will miss so much took over.

Dr. C came in and I laid my head on her side, Greg held her head in his hands, and that ugly, pink death cocktail was administered. It was so much worse than with Mya. The very second that final injection hit Mya’s bloodstream, she was gone – no distress. Khia breathed much longer than I expected (45 seconds to a minute) and I felt her breathing became rapid and somewhat distressed for a second before she took one last inhale and my head didn’t fall/raise with her side again. 6:54 pm and my baby was gone.

Just like that, I killed my dog. I killed Noodle’s best friend and protector. How the HELL was I supposed to face him? To walk through the door without Khia and continue to live life.

At 7:20, we pulled into the driveway and there he was staring out the window, clearly waiting to see Khia come out of the car. Once he left the window, we stood outside getting our last heavy sobs out before facing him. I have never seen a dog feed off of sadness and emotions as much as Noodle. So, on went the fake “everything-is-okay” face and we opened the door. He ran to the gate and looked for her.

A day and a half later, he is still running to the gate every time he goes outside. He has chewed himself until he bleeds. He sleeps…a lot. He is my shadow.

We took him to Petsmart yesterday and I think he thought that maybe we were going to get her when we got in the car. The whole time we were out I could imagine him thinking that he couldn’t wait to tell her all about his adventure. When we got home, you could tell he had been thinking that because he ran forward a few steps, backward, forward, and backward again before looking at us like, “Mom? Dad?”

During the evening, Noodle went out to “guard the yard” because he heard the neighbors up at the drug house. Greg and I were on the back porch talking and all of a sudden a firework went off in the sky right above our heads and scared the crap out of us. The poor dog’s day wasn’t already bad enough, right? I jumped up ready for my boy to come running. Noodle flew onto the porch, tail between his legs, and right in through the door that I was holding open for him. I followed him in and tried to “celebrate” and not feed the fear. No, he was having none of that. He jumped in my arms, crying, and holding on for dear life. Finally, after 2 more fireworks, all of us sat down, within the safety of the house, on the floor behind the screen door. I held him in my lap as we “oohed” and “aahed” over the fireworks. He stopped shaking. When they were done, I put him down and he “hid” by the front door because I guess in his mind, the other side of the house didn’t have that noise.

At that point, I decided he needed to be sedated. The day was just too much for him and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We have Nutri-Vet Pet Ease calming treats – milkbone-looking treats that have a natural calming blend inlcluding chamomile and tryptophan in them. You give them 1 for every 10 lbs (not to exceed 6 per day). I gave him his 2 and within minutes he was sound alseep.

I didn’t cry hardly at all yesterday because I can’t cry in front of him and as I said, he is my shadow. That is  until we went to bed. The lights went out and there was way too much room in the bed. I had too much comforter and yet I was freezing without my big dog. The silence was deafening without her snoring. Then it started. The sobs. The tears that couldn’t stop. The feeling of my heart ripping over and over and over again. It didn’t matter that Noodle was laying on my back or that I knew I woke Greg even though he didn’t say a word. I couldn’t put on a strong face for either of them.

I am a mom of 1 dog – 1 tiny, devastated dog.

I have always been a firm believer in karma. After this, I no longer believe in it. If karma were real, Khia would still be here because she didn’t ever do anything to deserve the end she got and we surely didn’t do anything to deserve losing her. Bad things just happen to everyone and if you’re lucky, you experience good in between.

I also questioned God for the first time in my entire life. Although I am not a very religious person, I do believe in God and always tell people He has a reason for everything. I initially blamed the fact that I haven’t been observing any of the Jewish religion as of late – I haven’t observed the High Holy Days and I haven’t been to temple in who knows how long.  So this was God’s payback. Then my dad told me that God doesn’t retaliate and He is not confined to the walls of a temple. He is everywhere and He didn’t abandon me. When my dad said that, I decided on believing that God was busy when this happened – busy saving a human baby. I have to keep telling myself that “story”.

So. That’s it.

Thank you for being there for us. Your comments and emails have made all the difference in the world. As much as I would like to, I simply cannot respond to them individually though. Not this time. Please know that they have all been read, re-read, and re-read again. I truly find comfort in them.

Noodle’s blog will continue. I hope he will return to his happy self and we can fill the posts with things to smile about. Regardless, you will all be kept in the loop because we know that you truly care.

 

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About noodle4president

I was a discarded, lost little stray without a house or a family...until my mom found me. Now, I am the happiest, most loved dog in the whole world!

39 responses »

  1. Fozziemum says:

    Sweetheart you go cry and rage at the world..i am in tears here after reading this post.oh how we blame ourselves..we have to…we love them so ..and poor Noodle…he will be fine..but of course it will take time..and who knows how long..i have had to make that call with pets too many times..and it is a mind numbingly painful thing..i can tell you nothing that will ease this pain…nobody can…the bittersweet relationship of love and loss…and yet we do it…because to never have had them would be worse…go take care of yourself and Noodle and know we are a click away if you want to vent …love Bev and family xxx ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. maabbott3 says:

    I cried as I read your post. I don’t have the words to tell you how very sorry I am. We too have had to make that same difficult decision for some of our 4 footed family members and it hurts each and every time. I agree with your dad and I also I believe that God gave you and Greg the strength to make the decision that was the best for Khia. I know that God will be there as you, your family and Noodle continue to mourn Mya and Khia. I pray that the good memories of these precious pups will be of comfort to you all. Love and hugs to you all.

    Like

  3. You and your family remain in our thoughts and prayers here. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I can’t imagine how hard it is to live it, let alone come here and let us know all of this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Noodle, as long as your loved ones stay alive in your memory, they will always be with you, comforting you, loving you.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Arya's Mom says:

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. From experience, I know that no words can take away the pain you are feeling. I had to make the same, dreaded decision for my best friend, Bridgette, last year, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She hung in there for so long, and when she crashed, I knew I had no choice but to take away her suffering.

    I know from experience as a vet tech, that without us making that decision, many pets do suffer longer than they ought to. I believe it is one gift we can give them to end their pain when there is little hope of recovery. I know that doesn’t help, but I hope you are able to see that you did her a great service by letting her rest.

    May your baby rest peacefully and pain free across the rainbow bridge. My thoughts are with you, and I hope you and Noodle are able to bond together through your sorrow and grief.

    Hugs,

    Tasha and Arya

    Liked by 1 person

  6. corkscot says:

    From one tribe member to another- You did the right thing. We are more humane with our pets than we are with humans. Our ability to ease and take away the suffering of a terminal patient is monumental. We did a mitzvah with Khia.

    Like

  7. Jonathan Hurtado says:

    Everything happens for a reason, no matter how unfair and horribly unfortunate somethings are. People can break themselves down trying to go over and over again in their head seeking an answer to “why?”. We blame ourselves, others, and God at times; but really we can’t question why; those answers come later when you’re in the grace of the one who knows the answer. The ones we loves remember really leave our side; even though most of the time we choose not to believe that. But it’s not that farfetched, they can be right besides us and any given time. I’m sure they can feel our sorrow and how much we miss them; I’m sure they all would agree they love us and wish for us to be happy and not continue in sorrow and pain. We cherish all those moments they were with us and that makes the pain worse, but the pain will subside. Those memories will remember be lost and the love will never go away. They will be a part of you forever.

    They’re always with us and will be, till you see each other once again.

    Like

  8. There is no platitude to make you feel better so I will just say that our hearts and souls are with you and Noodle…who really needs you now.

    Hugs,

    Shoko, Kali and Jean

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Know that you are not alone and that so many people care. Give yourself the freedom to fully feel your emotions but try to remember to be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. fredrieka says:

    the hardest job in the world

    Liked by 1 person

  11. gahlearner says:

    I think about you often, been there only recently and know how it hurts., no words can help. I wonder, though, if it isn’t better for Noodle if you show him your pain. He might be even more confused when you pretend to be happy and grieve inside. You know him best, but dogs have a lot of empathy. Grief without added confusion might be easier for him.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. DZ Dogs says:

    Your post hurts my heart..i’m terribly sorry for your tragic loss of Khia. Remember to grieve, it is far better to let it out and let it go, than to hold back and continue to cause yourself pain.
    How would Khia want you to be? She wants to know that you are happy, that you made the best decision and you did so because you love her. I have been in your shoes and it is the worst possible feeling to be the one to make that final decision for ones own child.. I’m sure you’ve heard the story of the rainbow bridge? Khia is just waiting for you, I personally do believe in God and if heaven is all it’s supposed to be then our furbabies will be waiting to escort us personally through those pearly gates someday. Why do bad things happen to good people? I don’t know, but i’d love to give you a hug right now and tell you it didn’t happen because of something you did.
    Khia left a legacy of love and she showed the world that yet another pit bull was a wonderful family member who only had love to give, she touched the lives of strangers, and through this we mourn with you. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. We’ve gone through this far too recently with three of our kitties, sending you big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Jan K says:

    I have never visited you before but just read about your loss on All Fur One. Your post made me cry so, and I just want to say how very sorry for your losses I am. Sometimes life is just not fair. My faith in God was shook when I lost my Lab mix Maggie in a tragic accident many years ago, and to be honest, it’s never been the same since. I hope you can find some peace in Noodle’s love, and that he and all of you will be OK.

    Like

    • Thank you for stopping by and leaving such kind words. I know it’s been years but I am sorry for your loss as well. I hope you get to read about the “real” Noodle soon.

      Like

      • Jan K says:

        Thank you for your kind words as well. It’s been over 10 years since we lost Maggie, and sometimes it seems like that and at others like it was just yesterday. But it does get better, it just sometimes hits you at times you don’t expect it to. I look forward to seeing more of Noodle!

        Liked by 1 person

  15. raisingdaisy says:

    I think you’re going through all the normal feelings and doubts that anyone would go through after two such devastating losses, especially so close together. I’m crying right along with you, this is absolutely heartbreaking. I think you’re both very strong to be there for both Khia and Mya right to the end. Don’t worry about commenting or visiting, just take care of yourselves and Noodle as you get through this extremely difficult time. We’ll still be here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Kevin says:

    Sam, Greg….

    I am sitting here in Charlotte NC reading this for the first time and am in total disbelief…

    Khia was an amazing member of your family.

    Sam, I hope you someday believe in Karma again.. For me.. Khia gave love always (I remember those nights when you guys brought her over to keep me company… I will always remember her for that!)… And she certainly had love all around her.. ALWAYS.. and especially on her final day.

    She will be missed and remembered…

    And if Noodle needs a friend, I will bring Paddie over anytime 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I tried to read this yesterday and couldn’t……this morning it’s still difficult but I did read it through a couple of times and felt your pain as much as someone from a distance can…..I’ve gone through this myself but everyone’s journey to the end is different and all we can do is hope it’s quick whatever the end may be. I’m so sad for Noodle as well as all of you – it’s hard to imagine sometimes just what they are feeling although they are SO expressive and sometimes so easy to “read” but in their little minds, the confusion must be overwhelming sometimes. I hope life “evens out” for all of you soon…..it’s never the same I know, but it can become more tranquil in time. Sammy and I send you tons of hugs……………TONS.

    Love, Pam (and Sammy)

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Mrs P says:

    There are no words to describe my grief, I sobbed all through your post, take care 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Oh my dog, I simply cannot believe this is happening again so soon and am fighting tears at my desk at work. I am so very sorry. Please know that Sam and I are sending tender thoughts and pray all the sweet memories of your precious Khia will help comfort you. We’re so sorry for the loss of your loyal and special friend. May Sam’s puppy kisses warm your heart and ease your pain. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  20. My heart breaks for the pain you are experiencing. I pray for nothing but happiness to fill your days to come & for peace in the traumatic decision you had to make. Rest assured your sweet girl is smiling down from by God’s side 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Nylabluesmum says:

    Samantha I’m weeping as I read your blog post. I wish I could be there & ((hug)) you & let you cry all the tears needed to be cried. You did NOT ‘kill’ Khia…the Cancer was killing her; would have killed her. You assisted her & ended her suffering. at some point you will ‘know’ this & your pain will ease…little by little. I felt like I had ‘killed’ Mingflower but within a week I realized that it was the Kidney Disease that brought on the total Renal Failure that would have finished her off in agony. Oh that brave little 7 lb Bluepoint Meezer fought the shaving of her leg & the sedation & even bit my thumb. She did not want to leave me: her Momma…When I held her in my arms & told her how much I loved her & she would stay with me even after she was ‘gone’ she gave me a *nose kiss* & let Dr Dave give her the final shot. She relinquished her life…..I know she fought hard to stay with me but I knew she would not recuperate & as her Momma I had to do the ‘right’ thing; ease her suffering.
    With Nylablue it was the same: I HAD to be the one to KNOW when enough was enough. She battled the Bowel Disease for almost 19 long months. When she developed Diabetes I knew it was all over. I could not & would not let her suffer thru 2 shots a day & inevitably something going VERY wrong!
    So I bought her a week’s time with Dr Dave & Anne (friend & professional pet sitter) to give Nylablue her daily Insulin injection. I only permitted one a day because the stress it put her under was immense.
    When Judith (bestie) & I took Nylablue into Dr Dave she did not even try & fight. She faced her death calmly. She was so ready. I had learned from Mingflower to ‘let go’ better for Nylablue. Do I miss Nylablue?? You betcha!!!!!!!! I sometimes Call Siddhartha Henry ‘Nylablue’…he jumps up on the coffee table & rubs her ash box….as if to say “She is right here LadyMum!”.
    I hope something I shared here will give you a bit of comfort. ((HUG)) Noodle ALOT & tell him how much you love him. Give him treats & as hard as it is spend as much time as possible with him. He needs you & you need him.
    AS for G-D I believe He/She is NOT vengeful or mean spiritied…And Karma is not always right. Life on life’s terms happens; sometimes it is good & sometimes it is bad & soemtimes it is plain ugly. What I have learned is that Life is fragile & despite our best efforts beloved 4 leggeds & other pets & people die. That is the cycle of Life. Mya & Khia spirits are with you & their memory lives on in your hearts & minds & all of us here who know all of you will remember your lovely girls.
    One day at a time this will get a bit easier…..just trust the process…
    Gentle (((hugs))) an much love Sherri-Ellen & Purrince Siddhartha Henry ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  22. dog12 says:

    Aloha,

    You didn’t kill Khia. You did one of the most self-less things a pet owner can do, which is to end suffering of someone we love, full well knowing it will be hell for us. Noodle would never want a friend to suffer needlessly.

    The best thing you can do for Noodle, is to try to take care of yourself.

    I’m probably the least spiritual person ever, but getting mad at God, Karma etc. will likely lead to increased anger. At any given time we are surrounded by horrendous acts that shake our belief in one thing or another. We just move on because we have to.

    I’m Jewish and can appreciate your guilt over the high holy days. I choose to not be in attendance during these holidays, because I believe I feel guilty everyday for one thing or another and know I’ll try harder the following day. I don’t think all my transgressions could be covered in any ceremony that only lasts several hours.

    Give yourself a break. Get sleep when your tired, Eat when your hungry. It will get better.

    hugs from across the Pacific,
    Pam

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nylabluesmum says:

      Hello Pam: My name is Sherri-Ellen & I to am Jewish…
      There is an old saying “Jews INVENTED Guilt & Catholics PERFECTED it!!!”
      HAHAHAHA!! It is so true…we are always feeling guilty about one thing or another.
      Our pets getting old or sick or being young & getting sick & dying is not a judgement or punishment towards us. Life happens.
      I have said Goodbye to 3 dogs, 3 Budgies & 20+ cats & none of their deaths was a judgement or punishment. They had lived their lives (whether long or short or in-between) & I rejoice daily in the fact that I got to share my Life with so many wonderful an dear 4 leggeds & Budgies…
      I think of all the ferals I have helped over the years with fondness. I know 2 of ‘my’ ferals did not survive last year & it was so sad to say Goodbye… however I know I did what I could for Hercule Poirot & Greyboy…may they run free in Summerland.
      Grieving takes time….we jsut have to trust the process don’t we? And never doubt we have done the best for our beloved canines & felines & other pets.
      Ok I went off on a tangent…I hope something I said helped you Samantha & Pam & thank for for sharing your experience Pam….
      We are all here for you Samantha!!
      (((HUGS))) Sherri-Ellen

      Liked by 2 people

  23. cafewand says:

    Our condolences, I know loss of a family member earth or other wise is hard. Dont feel bad for struggling with your faith at this time, a lot of people do. It’s okay to be upset….
    Im very, very sorry. =-/ doggy heaven got an awesome pup.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. maggie0019 says:

    Mom and I are so sorry. You will always have your treasured memories. Nothing can take that away. Sometimes, it is hard to be a good parent and make the hard decisions. It would have been much worse had you and Greg allowed her to suffer. She gave you a kiss because she knew that Mom was trying to help her. I am sure of it. Sending you out a gentle lick on the hands and a soft “Woof”. We are here if you need to talk. Love, Maggie & Mom

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, I’m sure this post wasn’t easy. I hope your doing ok and thinking of you. hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I’m sorry. It’s never easy. Hugs to the both of you. I lost my cat Jebus 23 days ago. He didn’t show many signs. We was slightly off so and he was do for a check up. During the check up we find out he has a mass in his chest. During his exam he didn’t show any pain. Woke 3 days later and he had labored breathing. I’m still feeling it. First time in 30 years I haven’t had a cat. I lost 3 in 9 months (they were older guys 17, and 2 16 year olds). Hope everyone feel better. Remember all the memories you have together. Even though they aren’t here in person they will forever be in our hearts.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. […] That’s how long it’s been since Khia is gone. […]

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  28. […] got out to her car and called Dad. She told him how she felt like Khia was still pushing her to get Molly and that it was a big mistake not getting her. Dad, being as […]

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  29. […] Most viewed post: What Happened to Khia & the Immediate Aftermath – By Noodle’s Mom […]

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  30. […] The busiest day of the year was April 19th with 209 views. The most popular post that day was What Happened To Khia & the Immediate Aftermath – By Noodle’s Mom. […]

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  31. […] had some of the best times together. I was lucky to spend 3 years with her. Her unexpected passing turned my world upside down. I never expected to be without her. Even worse, to be stuck with the […]

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